I Was Laid Off…

I was laid off. For sixteen years I have had the honor of doing work I knew I was called to. I got to use my skills, gifts, innovation, and voice for THE THING I knew I was supposed to be doing. I got laid off and my life did not crumble. I got laid off and I did not lose any value. I got laid off and I knew with every ounce of my being that I was going to be OK. Maybe “laid off” does not connect, maybe you disbanded a church plant, or didn’t get the funding, or maybe you are tired of Covid’s effects on the church, maybe everything is falling apart. But remember you are not losing any value. 

 

For me, being laid off came as a surprise—there had been no warning signs, no rumors, or whispers. My boss sat across from me and cried as she told me. She told me, “This has nothing to do with you.” I believed her. I believed her because I was good at my job and added value. I believed her because the Lord had done the work in me.

 

A year prior to this moment, I would not have bought the truth she was speaking. A year prior I would have scoured every moment of every task and interaction of my work life trying desperately to find the “moment” I had caused this reaction. The year leading up to this moment God had done some deep work in me.

 

I grew up in the church, went to Bible College, joined a missions org—I knew God loved me! I knew that I was loved by God, I preached and taught about God’s love. And yet somewhere in me I did not actually believe I was beloved by God. Being His Beloved was not made real. I built a room in my heart and mind that blocked me from receiving the call to be His Beloved. I was His worker, His writer, His busy daughter, I was forgiven, and righteous, but I was not His Beloved. 

 

In college my friend Peter and I were talking about the passage where Jesus says, “I stand at the door and knock.” Peter said, “Stop knocking on the damn door and bust through.” I often reflect on Peter’s words and desire the Lord to break down the damn doors I have built and fortified with lies. I built a room filled with the names I chose for myself, I built a door to keep Jesus knocking.

 

Even when I wanted to open the door and walk fully in being Beloved, I did not think I was worthy. The damn lies kept creeping in, I allowed them to choke out the truth and the door became harder to open.

 

But last year I began to let Jesus open the door, the door I constructed, the door He lovingly waited at, knocking, coaxing me answer. He never burst through the door, He is not that type of Father. But once the door was open, He destroyed it. 

 

When I was in high school, I loved the drama of slamming my door when I wanted to make a point. I had been warned by my dad, “If you do that one more time, I am getting rid of your door.” I thought he was bluffing so I slammed my door to test him, to put a barrier between us, to prove my point. When I got home from school the next day, there was a curtain where my door had once been.

 

A good Father does not mess around—he destroys the barriers between us, He disciplines in love, and He keeps His word. As Christ stood at the door and knocked, I had to open the door I slammed shut, and just like my earthly father, He took the door off its hinges and destroyed the pattern of thinking that allowed it to close in the first place. He clothed me in Belovedness, and wrapped me in His love and truth. 

 

I was laid off. I am His Beloved. Your church plant failed. You are Beloved. Your funding didn’t come through. You are Beloved. Covid changed everything, and it had nothing to do with you.

 

Lord, please break down the damn door, dismantle the lies that have fortified it, take it off the hinges of my heart and destroy it. Also get rid of the wall it is attached to, remove barriers I have constructed so that you may build your Kingdom through me. You are a good Father, and I want to know Your love.- Amen